they sell hope. hope that this 79 dollar modular dresser will solve my clutter problem, solve my laundry problem, solve my diet coke problem. those sweeds are all blond and tall and happy. i am none of those things.

but alas it’s all a pipedream. by the time they’ve milked me for 3 extra hours, and 10 extra bucks on 1 dollar pretzels and frozen yogurt when we get to the door, it’s obvious that i’ve been had.

by the time you lug that flat box weighting 75 pounds to the fucking house, and open it up and extract the pictorial directions. you realize you’ve been totally had.

sweet revenge is busting out the bosch power driver with a hex bit and fucking going to town on those screws. nothing like cold german precision to bring you back to life.

well at least until i get the amex bill.

and how are all of you?

the weekend started off quietly enough-then on saturday we headed up to mount st. kitchen for a late season pool party.  there were kids running around everywhere, dogs, booze, dancing girls, all the trappings of a labor day rockfest. i was enjoying the beer liberally, and at one point i asked the capt if he would like to go swimming–he said yes, so we got or suits on and got ready to get in. naturally he chickened out right at the last minute. so we aborted. don then tricked me into standing next to the pool and proceeded to push me in, which fits in to his over all bully mentality. (just kidding).

after a few more beers, the possibility of us not driving back to baltimore came up and since we had mr. henry with us. i was all over it. once that was settled, don busted out the wii, which i have never played before. given that most of the games are sports related, you can imagine how good (or not good) i was at it-but man it was fun drunk. the damn thing is pretty accurate–especially bowling-i guttered every ball, just like i do in real life. a bit later we tried boxing, and i’ll be damned if don, a guy that has beaten people up, did not beat me, a guy that has been beaten up. oh i didn’t win-but we pretty much tied-yay for drunk err, muscles?

i then proceeded to pass out on their plush reclining couch/chair thing and natty got to have some fun waking me up and havimg me mutter nonsense in my half sleep. it’s her current pastime–she’ll say ‘JEFKE GOTO BED” and i’ll envitiably mutter something like “i WILL after i put the tractor on the lift and talk to the sniper about the mole problem, and creamed spinach casserole” or something. this always amuses her.

sunday morn we headed home, it was rather uneventful, infact sunday was pretty much uneventful all around.

monday was more of the same, headed up to homedepot to figure out some anti henry in the flowers solutions, of whihc none were totally satisfying-and ended up at the fancy wegmans up north of the city. exciting–huh.

and uh, well that’s about it. sorry about that.

I’ll leave you with gem, that was posed to me as a possible post topic by jimmy-i’ll bread the emergency glass now and use it to get out of this one–

If you had to share a cubicle with 5 celebrities or historical figures–who would be your top pics and your worst-i could never d o it pics?  (and try to be somewhat creative, not just 5 super models or pr0n stars or something).

me:

Yes:

1. jon stewart
2. will farrell
3. early 90’s hot/evil/sex/  madonna (i bet she’s good at powerpoint)
4. bill clinton
5. Ice-T

No:

1. dick cheney
2. tucker carlson
3. tom cruise
4. Dr. Phil
5. jeebus christ

please list your responses in the comments section (thanks for that one jimmy)

so i skipped out of work around 1 on friday to go back to the tattooist and have the rest of the fill work done and the shading. i know-i’m naughty aren’t i?

i arrived a bit early, and was recognized by one of the owners, we were talking briefly the previous week, b/c he actually lives a couple blocks away from us, they dont’ call it smallitmore for nothing.

it’s worth taking a moment to describe the set up of the place, there is a counter which is staffed by usually 2 guys, i assume they’re apprentices or something, then there are little rooms where the work is done. they’re pretty big on their music there, so there’s usually something playing. so last time as i was waiting they were playing queens of the stone age, this time as i walked in they were playing soul coughing. they then played some hawaiian music and finally busted in to far beyond driven by pantera. it all caught me a bit off guard-firstly i thought i am the only person in the world that could like soul coughing in and pantera, and then 2ndly that jesus, perhaps i’m not as out of it as i thought. then again, the artists seem to be in my age bracket, and the counter staff seems younger, but not like teenagers. i dunno. it was pretty cool to have music i like on whilst i got the work done.

for the most part the tat is complete. as i mentioned before, my original intent was for a true ‘quarter sleeve’ meaning work all away around the arm. but the artist modified the design a bit to make it look better. i now totally understand how people end up getting tons of tattoos–it really is sort of addictive. other than that, i hemmed and hawwed on whether to have the knot work shaded/wickered. i had it done on my ankle band back in the 90’s and while that one is much smaller, it has blurred (and these things tend to do) and well i’m not super happy with it. my arm piece is much bigger, so the shading would work better in the long run, but it might make the whole thing too busy.

so that’s that.

i don’t think i’ve announced it officially, but natty now has a few night shifts on her rotation. she usually works 7 am-7 pm, which is a pain-but every 3rd and 4th weekend she has to work 7pm-7am on friday the first week, and then friday and saturday nights the next week.

so this week was that week. our neighbor had suggested, earlier in the week, that we go to the white sox/oriels game friday night. i thought it might be good, if for nothing else to wear the little guy out.

so after i got back from my appointment, we scurred to get the animals fed and such, and natty went to work, and we went downtown for the game. all in all the boy was not impressed with the whole sporting event gig. in his defense it was very loud, and we had a drunk red neck behind us yelling the whole time. that sorta threw the capt off a bit. i was sorta interesting overall, drunk guy would yell, his hugely breasteded girlfriend would giggle, the capt would start asking to get up and walk around.

(quick aside, is it me or are young women developing bigger boobs earlier in life? is it the hormones in beef? is it superior bra technology? all the transfats? youtube? myspace?  implants? is the government breeding a master race? am i  just going insane? chicks didn’t look like this  when i was 20, have you noticed this?)

all in all it was a good time, the capt eventually found the jungle jim and bounce house and had a great time going down a slide. he actually interacted with other kids and didn’t push them around nor was he pushed around by him (brought a tear to my eye).

after the game there were fireworks which freaked him out at first but he settled in and enjoyed them. then we headed home, and i started the “lets try to go to sleep routine”. naturally that didn’t work, so i had to walk him in the stroller at midnight. it’s funny how the neighborhood changes when it’s late. prolly the worst thing is all the cockroaches. nowi thought they lived IN peoples houses, but around here the fuckers scurry on the sidewalks. it’s pretty gross. after about 15 mins the capt was asleep and i headed home. i was able to transfer him out of the stroller and he slept about an hour before he woke up screaming for his mom. 30 mins of calming and i got him back to sleep, 3 hrs pass, repeat.

what’s interesting is that inspite of not going to bed remotely near on time, and sleeping poorly, he always wakes up and stays awake the next morning. which is not so happy for natty. so i took him on our usual homedepot saturday run. which always ends with a hotdog from the hot dog cart and tailgating a bit in the parking lot. then off to the garden center to see the fish pond and then back home. man this is boring.

sat night went a bit worse than friday.

sunday was pretty tough for everyone, but i was able to get the lawn mowed and some things planted.

well there you have it, just like the old recaps i’ve peetered out at the end.

blah.

so lets see, where did we leave off, oh yeah…We’re buying a house!!, no wait after that…We’re getting a dog!!…hmm after that. oh i got it…natty was 6 months pregnant and i’m freaking out about being a first time father.. no, well anyway.

i’ll work backwards, from uh, about an hour ago and eventually get to the big bang, and by that i mean the orgy we went to last weekend. (rimshot) no no, just kidding, been reading too much acw lately.

So it’s suddenly summertime here, and that brings all sorts of fun fun stuff along with it. Henry, inspite of his hip problems, is having a very good kill year so far. I think we’re up to 4 birds so far, the latest of which was saturday. I typically take the carcass and but it in to the dog shit garbage can and forget about it (umm the smell though, lovely). so i did that, and well it’s been about 110 degrees everyday (no joke, really 100 fucking 10) in the sun and shit, and the shitcan, with the dead robin in it has been in the sun. so this morning, at about 6:11 am, and i go to the shit can to tie up the bag and take it to the street for garbage day. i prepared myself for the stench by holding my breath, what i wasnt ready for, was (were?) the 50 maggots all over the bag, lid and rim of the shitcan. no sir, wasn’t expecting that.

now one would probably be freaked out and puke at such an early morning surprise. well not jefke 2006. no sir, i exclaimed “ick!” threw the cover on the ground and took the whole shitcan to the curb, and took the bag out and left it. no puking, no screaming no throwing up. and i have joe rogan to thank for it. well maybe not him exactly, i dunno how much he really has to do with the content of fear factor, but for better or worse, he is the face of fear factor, and after seeing people pretty much swim, eat, have sex with, insert into their butts, etc. all manners of maggots, cockroaches, pig testicles, cow nostrils, chicken thyroids, musktrat anus’ over the last i dunno 10 years or whatever that the show has been on, a shit can full of maggots didn’t really phase me. This is progress people, really. and people say reality TV is ruining our culture. poppycock, I say.

It was a long US bank holiday weekend last weekend (for all you non A-murricans) and i had big plans for sitting on super patio, drinking lots of cheap beer. well so as it turns out, natty caught some sort of plauge, and the capt then caught it as well, so that didn’t really come together like i had hoped. On friday, our fancy pants table arrived, which I put together on saturday. i was supertastically pleased to discover that our fancy pants umbrella and stand doesn’t fit under the table, which led to a super awesome ‘debate’ between natty and i on how to resolve the situation. like most good debates, it really wasn’t about the table or umbrella or the umbrella stand, but that’s what tripped it off. (it was really about our countries current polictical climate surrounding illegal immigrants), but it was some good times-arguing on a 90 degree day with 2/3rd of the household sneezing and coughing. ah holidays.

ah so speaking of kids with colds. i never knew how accruate the phrase “snot nosed kid” was.  till, well i had one. interesting.

building off of the fear factor thing. about 2 weeks ago, natty and i identified a foul odor coming from somewhere in the front yard. naturally she accused me of taking a shit somewhere out there (ok she didn’t) but she did ask if i put down manure or something.  we also noticed a shit load of flies everywhere. turns out our new mulch has brought this to down.  whicih is just luvely, lots of rancid smelling little phallus’ all over the yard, really who could ask for anything more? apparenly they’re a delicacy in asia. i think people just make that shit up. it seems that anything that we find disgusting is a delicacy in asia. someone’s making some shit up–believe you me.

so as many of you know, rolling rock was bought by budwiser, (well pretty much) so like many, i went out and got some RR for old times sake. for one summer in college, the whole world was about rolling rock snubby bottles. I maintain to this day that there is something in rollign rock that fights hayfever–that summer i discovered that i’d sneeze and wheeze all day until i downed my first beer. then it would go away. maybe that PA water. i dunno i personally think the wet dog taste is really wet dog, adn there’s something from that, but i can’t prove it.
all of a sudden people seem to be all upset that the company  was sold to our friends at interbrew/bev a few years back. I can still remember when i saw my first RR bottle at a belgian bar. I was obvious that the bar had to stock it as part of some sort of contract. when i asked the bartender for one, it took like 8 tries (oh yes i know i dont’ know dutch, but if there’s one thing I DO know it’s how to get a damn beer). when it arrived it had that classic wet dog taste and was sold with a lollipop. not sure what the deal was with that.

well anyway, farewell rollilngrock, not to be a doomsayer, but i doubt that NJ will brew you in the same way.

ok well that’s it for now. i’ll try to keep on top of this shit. but hell who am i kidding.

yeah so i got older last friday. another year older in fact. i’ve walked this earth for just shy of a third of a century. and well… bleh- that’s what i have to say abou tthat
actually it’s not all that bad. the day was pretty low key–we drove up to CT to see the ‘rents and celebrate mother’s day. so really, it was a good birthday overall. no drama, no tears just me, the XT and the wife and the kid and the dog and a lot of people in very big suv’s going very very fast on the nj turnpike. for all the hype about gas prices, i really dont’ think anyone cares much. i mean is there really a need to go 90 in a h2? well apparently there is.

lemme ask you this–why are there head rests in cars? well more specifically for the driver– do you use it? for me to get my head to touch it, i have to totally lean back, which is not comfortable-well i’m a hunchback really, but even so- do people really drive with the head on the head rest? I miss my old wagon, with teh bench seats that came up to mid back. now that was a car.

we made very good time up to CT , including a pretty lengthy stop at in NJ for food and to walk the dog and such. pretty much as soon as we crossed over in to CT, it started raining and traffic stopped. fun. that took an hr. ok this is boring time to get bulletized:

• On saturday i attended my nephew’s soccer game one town over in a pretty much a sick den of really rich people. he’s 5 and they play on a half field with no goalies. apparenlty they try not to keep score, the kids just run around in a big pack and kick the ball. it was amusing. what was frighenting (besides the 1.2 million dolalrs in suv’s that were in the parkiing lot) was that the kids get a little bag of crackers or cookies everytime the come off the field. so like every 4 mins or so. back in my day we got some orange wedges at halftime and 1 can of soda (pop) at the end of the game. these kids were chowing down the whole fucking time. sees to defeat the purpose of exercising. oh well.
• We went shopping up in that area, and besides all the people wearing sweatpants (?) and yelling in to phones. i finally realized how mean and pissy people are in the greater NY metro corridoregion. just plain mean. and pissy. i dunno not a the most earth shattering revolation but i guess being a way a few years i finally see it. then again they’re not as fat as the people down here. so i guess everything is a trade off in life.
• sunday we hightailed it out of there and actually got home in the middle of the afternoon. and it was weird. i’m not used to actually getting home before 10 pm. so i kinda just wandered around the house. and then i heard it:

end bullets.

I’m not the first guy to write about how annoying smoke alarm “my battery’s dead, please change me” chirp. oh there’s lots of people that have talked about that. i like most people think that a person should be able to just change the battery and be done with it. it seems though, that it’s not always that easy. so anyway, we got home, and i heard hte chirping and then finally figured out itwas the alarm in the blair witch basement. ok, fine. soi get a new battery and go down there and i change it. this requires me to unhook the alarm from the AC wire. ok, fine. but then when you put it back on, all the alarms sound. ok so that scares the crap out of the dog, cats, baby and me. not cool. but fine, i did it. and naturally the fucking thing continues to chirp. so repeat that process. still chirping. jefke not happy.

so i go online and find these reviews on amazon which are not encouraging–then i found the manual online which suggested that i might have to hold the test button down to clear some sort of memory when i change the battery. ok fine. so i do that. the alarm sounds, scaring the dog, cats, baby, me etc. i plug it back in–still chirps. so i say fuck it. and give up.

the next day i go to the manufacturer’s website and submit an email. pretty much saying ‘wtf’. in about 3 hrs i get an email back, and a phone call from a customer service rep. she has me go and get th alarm and look, ‘very closely at the diagram above the battery compartment’–yep, i had the 9 volt in backwards. man did i feel like an ass. she was very nice and said that it happens alot, and that’s why she knew to ask that right off the bat. but yea. i felt cool. real cool. good thing i’m an adult now.