Jefke.com

ok so this is gonna be all about homeownershit-landscaping, wheelbarrows, grass seed. so really, just come back some other time, b/c i know you’re gonna complain about how boring it is. but well that’s my life. so well just come back i’ll work on an extra special rant. really, i will.

so while superpatio has techincally be done for over a week and a half now, there are still some issues-the 15 bags of sand that were in the yard, there was grading to be done to backfill up to the patio, oh and the fucking huge pile of dirt–can’t forget that. all in all it was starting to get me down. the patio guys kept giving me the “oh well we’ll be around in a few days to pick up the sand” story (why again is the dirt my responsibility?) and i was getting antsy, so after about 2 years of talking about it. I got up early, trucked on up to home depot and rented a slit seeder. i know i’ve mentioned this before, and have false started on this like 10 times, but i assumed a slit seeder would be the machine that woudl answer all my lawn renovation prayers–a machine that magically makes little cuts in the ground and then inserts grass seed in to said cuts–pretty much ensuring they’ll grow…man what could be better? really, what?

so i get there, at like 6:50 or so, and i ask if i can rent a slit seeder, the guy says sure and we go adn he gets this shiny red machine, with a bin on the front. the bin, it appears, just drops something on the ground…I should have stopped right there–shoulda just left. but no, not me, i was too excited for my climatic slitseeding.

so we walk through the whole ID/creditcard thing, and i say–yeah sure gimme it for the 4 hour window (yeah, like i was gonna get it back in 4 hrs) and we struggle to get in the subie and i went and got some seed and shit and was off. in no time i was back home and scraping my shins unloading the thing into the alley to come through the useless double gate. i then helped wiht the capt for a while and then headed back outside. the first thing to do was to mow the lawn, then try to get as much shit off of it as possible. then adn only then i fired up the seeder. and quickly my dreams fell apart.

you see, what i was able to later confirm was, yes–the thing i rented is an overseeder, which is bascially a power rake with a seed spreader bolted on. and yes, in theory the tines or whatever are under the fucker, do mess up the soil and i suppose the seed that is comign out of the spreader could in theory make it in to the soil–but there is no PENETRATION err, sorry, no INSERTION,, um, of the seed.

what’s interesting, ironic, in a alanis sorta way, is that teh ground was so dry the think couldnt’ dig in the soil, which is exactly the opposite of why the ground got all torn up to begin with. ok not so interesting to you, but it ws for me. so for about 20 mins, i was dragged around the yard by this thing, man did it not like rocks–sparks and shit flying everywhere. i guess that was sorta funny.

so the plan was to pack up the captain and we’d all go to return the beast. now everything takes time when the capt is involved, so after this and that, i was 2 pm before we were even close to heading to the store–i then loaded the thing in to the subie. I made a ramp out of soem wood and it worked really well, too well in fact. i got the thing up in to the car so quickly that i couldn’t remember how i packed everything in originally. but that was just i minor problem. then up to the store. natrually the capt fell asleep in the car, and you know, never wake a sleeping baby so we drove to a quite spot at the edge of the parking lot. once we stopped moving, the fumes from the beast got a little overwhelming. so natty asked if i could get the thing out with out waking the boy–i didn’t think so, but hell i’d give it a try. funny thing is , that we were naturally at the other end of the parking lot from the rental door.

So i lifted the thing out ok–but couldn’t really get ti on the ground, with out sacreficing my shins.

there’s something very pure about shin pain. maybe it’s b/c there’s just a few layers of skin between the bone and whatever you bang into…it’s just a pure almost shit yourself pain. it’s blazingly intense for about 30 seconds and then it’s just a dull ache for about 20 more, then is goes away until the next day, when if you bump anything, you pant leg, anything, you want to cry. good times.

so i then wheeled the machine over to the proper doorway and proceeded to wait 15 mins to be checked in. naturally i had forogtten the little plastic overwrap cover thinging that goes on the seeder part, and the douche bag at the counter gave me this speech that he could do me a favor and check the machine in now, to stop teh billing, but techincally it’s not complete and since he couldn’t rent it out again–well it was still mine. ok great, back home and then back up to HD. you’d think i’d be in heaven.

well i wasn’t. i was annoyed. no one to blame but myself. but i was annoyed. i asked the guy–ok how much does it cost i mean, can i just pay you for it (i figured another 30 miles or so in the subie back and forth –gas at 3.30/gallon i would have spent 10 bucks to avoid the hassel). nope can’t look that up.

ok can i bring it tomorrow, and i got that “oh geez man, i mean i am doing you a favor”  ok fuck it. i got myself more grass seed (since i didn’t even get enough earlier, and got some change and got hotdogs from the hotdog cart–

aside: i dunno who the 16 year old chicks in the hotdog cart are expecting to see, but they get all slutted up to sell fat old men (such as myself) hotdogs as we try to extend our time out of the house and feel like we’re actually hunter gatherers and out getting shit for our tribe. i mean sure, it makes sense show a little skin, maybe get some tips. but that said, dont’ give me the “ohh man, another short unshaven, sunburned and dirty (litterally covered with dirt, and err well scumbaggy too, i guess) this sucks” look. i mean who are they expecting? anyway

so went back to the car, offered natty one of my dogs (and she took it! doh!) and stragerzied about what to do, the plan became this-drop her and the capt off at target and then go get the thingy, return it, then pick them up. sounds like a great plan. so we did it, and it worked (ha, bet you didn’t see that coming).

so, lets say i returned the thing at like 4:45 (the 2nd time)–it was at that time i looked at the 4 other “overseeders” and the 2 ‘power rakes’ and figured out the difference–well anyway. when we finally got home after dropping a LOT of money at target, there was a message from home depot on the voicemail

 err, mr. XXXXlastname pronouced incorrectlyXXX?
um, i have here that you’d said you’d bring the cover back and well it’s 4:30 and
you haven’t brought the cover back and well, i dunno what to say but you said that you’d bring it back and well we would like you to bring it back so we can rent the machine–
if someone comes in and wants it, well we’d have to charge you b/c we can’t rent is like this. so, either call or bring back the cover, ok?

really? so they turn a machine around right away–instead of renting out the 5 they have that are just sitting there? fuckers 

blah blah blah, did more work sunday on the yard, then went to some spring fesitival a couple towns over and well, saw a whole mess of very fat people in very tight clothes. i’ve covered it before, and frankly it bores me. so much that i just don’t want to leave the house. i’m not disgusted, i’m not offended (fully) just completely bored by it. stop being fat, or stop wearing lycra based clothing. please. for the love of god. just stop.

 I will say this, i dunno if people were saying this about me in 1990, but i’m glad that i tried to be a semi punk rocker when i was young rather then the way kids do it now. sure i worn a leather jacket and really stupid combat boots all the time (still have them great boots) but man at least i didnt’ have to wear pants the size of tents with all sorts of zippers, rings and doodads all over them. seems like a pain in the ass to be alterna (90’s term). anyway lets wrap up

/end recap.