Jefke.com

right so this weekend was natty’s big 30th b-day blow out, but before i get to that i need to tell you about my driver back from the airport last week…

so i was met by a rep from the car service after leaving the secure zone like usual, my bag came out somewhat timely. and she led me to where the drivers usually hang to pic up their people. first thing i noticed about my driver was that he was smoking, and didn’t really seem to be hurrying to dispose of his smoke to get me in the car–he was an older gentleman sorta morgan freidman like. i noticed as he took my bag to put it in the trunk that we was wearing fingerless breakdancing style gloves.

so i get in the car and notice that it’s not quite as swanky as the usual towncar, the windshield is cracked, the seats are kinda gross, the mats are not clean…so i ask the guy how he’s going. "oh not so good, very tired, i’m gonna dump you off and head on home, or to the clinic". –the clinic?

"ah yes, yes, my girlfriend is pregnant"

"oh, congrats" (i did find it a bit strange that he was talking about this before we even left the airport.

"oh no no, no sir, no congrats, this is not good, she’s 38, i’m 62–her youngest is 14, mine is 28. oh no, this is not good. i’m gonna have to drag her to the clinic, for the abortion, she’s just trying ot get me to move in wit her."

"oh my goodness, well i’m sorry to hear that, that’s a tough situation, that’s just plain rough"

"well, you know it’s not a surprise, she’s on the crack alot of the time, i told her i would leave unless she cut it out, but she’s looking for some one to pay her rent, to support her, i’m not all about that, i’ve been married twice, i don’t want that again, i was just having some fun"

(mind you this is about 1 min into the ride)

so i respond "ok–now you’re pulling my leg, she’s on crack?"

"no sir, no sir, i wouldn’t joke about that sort of thing–she’s on the crack, i think she used to be on the heroin, but i think it’s jsut the crack now"

(i thought this was all a bit odd, but wtf do i know)

"well that’s a tough spot, tough spot indeed. to be honest, given what you told me i’m surprised she could get pregnant-no offense, but you’re a bit older and she’s not in the prime–and the drugs…"

"oh i agree! i didnt’ know i still had swimmers–i tell you, i’ve been a whore for about-oh let me see, oh 17 years–since i left my 2nd wife, and this has never happened. oh i get around, i loves the women and i am a whore"

(jefke is flaggergasted—what does one say?)

"well, wow, i mean you need to be careful, there are a lot of diseases floating around, and you dont’ know what she’s doing when she’s out getting her rock"

(yup, i said ‘rock’–oh i’ve seen new jack city about 22 times–why i thought i could say ‘rock’ to a 62 year old black man that is dating a 38 year old single mother of 2 crack addict–i have no idea)

"oh i know sir, i know, was in the merchant marines, i ‘ve seen man’s organ swell up to the size of your arm from the VD, and i’m afraid of the virus, the aids, i really am–i take all the women down and make them get a blood test– i says to them ‘i’ll get one too!’ and when the come back clean–the we can go at it, like monkey’s"

(i swear, he said that, i really do)

"that’s good, but i tell you it’s scary out there–how far along is she?"

"oh, well last time we fooled around–you know had the fun, was about 3 weeks ago. right afterwards she told me ‘i know that was it, i can feel it already, you started something in me. now i said ‘hold on now woman–you can’t tell right away!’. but she said it was it. i think she was saying because i’m moving in to my mother’s house–she’s 83 and i’m gonna take care of her".

"oh, 3 weeks? that’s too soon, she can’t know–"

(and what’s with the ‘the’ infront of everything?)

"THAT’S WHAT I think" he said, "but she calls me up telling me her boobies are getting all big and tender, and she knows she’s carryin’ one. i tell her, we’ll i’m gonna get you a piss test and then we’ll know for sure–and if not–then we’ll go kill the rabbit at the doctor"

(so we’re in downtown traffic right now–i’m sqirming to get out of the car).

"but then she stopped calling after that, it’s been a week since i talked to her"

"oh–so it’s not like your sure she’s pregnant, if it’s even yours?"

"yessir, that’s the case. she’s just trying to latch on to me–some of them will do that. i tell them right from the start: ‘look i’m 60 years old darlin, and i ain’t looking for a marriage–i’m a sexual person, and if you want that, i’m your man, and you best not be telling me no–if i want your ass, you best not be telling me no, i’m gonna go find some one that will give me their ass–’ you need to clear that up front, and i tell you, not one says no–they can’t….i’d go somewhere else."

(ok so lets recapp, it’s 15 mins in to my ride home from the airport, my driver has just told me that he may or maynot have knocked up his crack ho girlfriend-and apparently, he bangs all his many girlfriends, in the ass, b/c, if they don’t want to–he’ll leave. am i getting my money’s worth or what?).

"wow"

"yessir, i don’t need this nonsense, not now, i’m gonna retire in a few months, i’m gonna pack up my van and go fishin’ in the south, and south west. i’m gonna go to new orleans and be a whore there, and then head over to mexico and be a bigger whore there–and she invites herself and her 14 year old daughter…what the hell am i gonna do with that? that’s not retirement, a man wants to go, enjoy himself–get some women, pay some women to do it right"

(i shit you not, he said all this)

"how’d you meet this one, anyway"

"oh through my sister–she’s always setting me up wiht her friends. she always says, you dont’ want to get messed up with him, he’s gonna get you and throw you away–but they never listen, and i tell them–i’m over 60 and i dont’ need to play games, you need to do what i ask or im’ gonna find someone else. and they always say yes"

"wow. well, i guess, the natural question is, why does you sister know this woman?"

"oh, she’ was on the heroin and the crank and the other drugs for a long while, she knows these people, she’s clean now, well, she has the virus. but she’s doing real well with it. she stil goes out and parties parties parties, drinking the hennessy and dancing. she’s oh i dunno 48 i guess"

(god, get me out of this car)

"wow"

"yessir, i don’t need another wife. i live right next to my ex. we get along fine, i go to barbeque’s at her house all the time, god she’s a replusive woman. i dunno how i ever had sex with her. you know everyone tells me, she doesn’t realize what she threw away…you see i have a high, well i wouldn’t call it a libido–a sex drive, and she jsut didnt’ want sex. she said, go get it somewhere else. so i did. i was a bill collector, i’d knock on a lady’s door and get her in bed, and get the money too, yeah, that was a good time. then she didn’t like that i was doing that, and didn’t want me around. so i said ‘fine’ and i packed up and left in 20 mins. i was on a ship in the indian ocean 4 days later. i stayed around there doing all sorts of things for 5 years or so. is this the exit?"

"yes, yes take this exit"

(5 mins to home–but, in the end, do i want this to end?)

"yessir, i’m no angel, i’ve had my trouble with the drugs. i experiemented over there in the orient. all sorts of stuff over there, but i’m ok. i’m ok now. yessir. and i’m tired, i’m gonna head home after this run–you see over there that’s my hood. east bawlemer."

"ah, my grandmother in law is over there, been there since the 50’s, part of the ukrianian community"

"ah yes, well not too many of them there anymore. good people, keep to them selves, how’d they like you?"

"me? well she would have preferred that my wife marry a ukrainian, but hell i’m polish–that’s pretty close"

"yessir families are tough, you see my father was a very fairskinned man, my mother very dark, families never got along. but i have some west virginian caucasian in me, maybe 3 generations back. i still go up there fishing–don’t have a shot gun adn don’t need one"

(wtf does that mean?)

‘you can take that next right, and then another right"

"oh i know this area, it’s my old hood, i know right where i’m going"

(hmmm didnt’ this used to be a heroin area?)

"oh it’s this one up here, thanks for the ride, and good luck"

(i slipped him 5 bucks as a tip on his tip–this shit was gold."

"oh you have a good night sir. thanks"

—so i go inside, and try to tell natty the story–but can’t convey every detail–

and then last night i see on my credit card, the fucker billed me 4 bucks for parking–he wasn’t parked in a pay area at the airport. i think he’s trying to scam me out of 4 more bucks. should i just suck it up, i mean 9 bucks for that sort of storytelling…maybe it’s worth it.