i love recycling pickup day. it’s like a good purge, almost like taking a big dump (is that why they call it a dump) or something. they pick up every 2 weeks or so, and therefore we amass quite a bit of paper and empty booze bottles and stuff. there’s strange joy in clearing out the house and leaving the crap on the curb and when i get home from work it’s gone. i love it.
from clutter comes space. it’s lovely.
on the insect front, the little antz came made quite an apperance yesterday afternoon, natty called me up and actually gave me clearance to go to Home depot for supplies. i have to admit going at her request sorta took the fun out of it, it wasn’t as naughty as when i go on my own and spend too much.
I finally broke down and bought a can of Raid. i had been hesitating b/c of the cats and such, and thus not wanting to spray inside etc….when i got home and unleashed that shit. man, incredible. when they say kills on contact, they’re not fucking around. one pass with that shit, and the little guys just die. instantly- i felt like i was in apolcolypse now or something. all the little bodies in a line, like i was an M-60 gunner on a huey or something. the horror, the horror.
well i just dropped a glop of oatmeal on my pants, next to my crotch–that’s fucking great. so now i could leave it, and try to scrape the dried stuff off, which will undoubtibly look like i ejactualated while writing up new requirements for our payroll pages, or go to the bathroom and wet a paper towel and wipe it off, which will make it look like i wet myself while writing requirements for the payroll pages. can you say lose-lose? (edited to correct the freudian slip of “loose-loose”)
and for jimmy, here’s the burn generator’s version of today’s post:
i LOVE recycling pickup day. that shit’s like a GOOD purge, almost like taking a goddamn big dump (is that why them nutsacks call that shit a goddamn dump) or something. I’m not through yet! You are a used up cream-filled bitch. them nutsacks pick up every juicy 2 weeks or so god-damn, and therefore we amass quite a goddamn bit of paper and empty booze bottles and shit. there’s strange joy in clearing out the fucking house and leaving the fucking crap on the fucking curb and when i get home from work that bastard’s gone. i LOVE that piece of shit. You are a cream-filled fuck.
from clutter comes space. that bastard’s lovely.
on the fucking insect front, the fucking little antz came made quite a fuckin’ apperance yesterday afternoon, natty called my stupid ass up and actually gave my stupid ass clearance to fuckin’ go to fuckin’ Home depot for supplies. i have to admit going at that piece of shit request sorta took the fucking fun out of that bastard, that shit wasn’t as naughty as when i go on my cockgobbling own and spend too (null) much.
I finally broke down and bought a can of Raid. I should torch your ass. i had been hesitating b/c you are one fucking shit and of the fucking cats and such, and thus not wanting to spray inside etc….when i got home and unleashed that shit. You are a crispy fuckmonster. juicy bastard, incredible. Read between the lines, I should crack your anus. when them nutsacks say kills on contact, them smelly armpits’re not fucking around. You are a fuckmonster. one pass with that shit, and the fucking little fellated assholes just die. instantly- i felt like i was in apolcolypse now or something. all the fucking little bodies in a line, like i was a fuckin’ M-60 gunner on a huey or something. the fucking horror, the fucking horror. Oh, my God. You are a shithole.
well i just dropped a glop of oatmeal on my molested pants, next to my motherfucking crotch–that’s fucking great. Ask me again: you are a cheese infested fuckmonster. so god-damn now i could leave that piece of shit, and try to scrape the fucking dried shit off, which will undoubtibly look like i ejactualated while writing up piece of shit new requirements for our payroll pages, or go to the fucking bathroom and wet a motherfucking paper towel and wipe that bastard off, which will make that shit look like i wet myself while writing requirements for the fucking payroll pages. You are a cheese infested pukey fuck. can you and your hemorrhoids say loose-loose?
7 responses so far ↓
1 Don // Apr 28, 2004 at 10:31 am
Well, I know that you DO get off on writing the requirements; I do hear strange moans and grunts coming from your office all the time. Or, I guess you could just be looking at porn during the day. Either way, if I were to see a glop on your pants, I’d think it was spooge.
Also, speaking of “taking a dump”, why do they say “taking”? You’re definitely not taking it anywhere. I know you’ve all heard people say this before, but I still think it’s funny. “I’ve gotta go leave a dump!” That should be what we all say from now on — if you’re going to say it.
And, to get more people on board with using this new term, be sure to alert all co-workers and strangers of what you’re doing. Need to crap at your weekly status meeting? Tell your bosses and co-workers “I gotta go LEAVE a dump.” While you’re gone, they’ll all realize how much more sense that makes. Out having dinner? Ask the waiter where the restrooms are b/c you have to go LEAVE a dump.
Either way you look at it, it’s a lose-lose (or loose-loose), whatever you prefer jefke!
2 Natty // Apr 28, 2004 at 1:00 pm
jefke does not like to poop away from home. But he shouldn’t feel bad about that. There’s also a girl in my Health Assessment lab who is the same way.
As for the ant apocolypse, Jefke snagged that concept from me. Yesterday, post ant-genocide, I was thining out loud about what it must have been like for the ants (and, of course, I can’t help but think of the movie Ants, but then, they didn’t go and invade some person’s house). They’re just truckin’ along, find a food souce, “Hooray! Let’s get to work on this!” So they start hauling away bits, but little do they know that they have taken from the dreaded Combat Ant Bait thingies. Suddenly, their friends start dying on the trail (”He looked fine this morning. Why are so many of my friends just dying?”). Yeah, they started dying from the baits before we sprayed. Then, just as the surviving ants thank God for being spared from this mystery plague, a giant poisonous mist from above comes down and wipes them all out. It’s all over. A few bystanders were able to escape and tell their tale. The massacre is all over the news and now no one feels safe.
Even though I don’t want ants in the house, I guess I feel kinda bad.
3 jefke // Apr 28, 2004 at 1:12 pm
’tis true i like to void myself on a familiar throne-but i’m not o.c.d about it, i can, when necessary leave a dump in a public restroom, a gas station even. one time on the way to stratton mountain, i thought i was going to die, i’ll tell you lodge restrooms are not the best place to communicate with ones prime movements.
as for the oatmeal glop, i sorta wiped off and fixed its self, my secret is safe.
thanks much for jimmy, whose taking of the original post, burninatoring it, and running it through the text to speech robot found here:
http://www.research.att.com/projects/tts/demo.html
(using the BBC accent) for hours of chuckles.
4 Jimmy // Apr 28, 2004 at 3:37 pm
Hey kids! Why do they call it homework? You’re not working on your house!
5 Wawa // Apr 28, 2004 at 5:12 pm
Man . .. I can just picture Don on stage pulling a Seinfeld:
“and what’s the deal with taking a dump . . . you’re not taking it anywhere . . . where is it suppossed to go??? And why do they call it a driveway . . . “
6 jefke // Apr 29, 2004 at 8:33 am
recycling day get even better, we went to ikea where i was able to dump a bag of batteries that i have been moving from apartment to apartment. it’s great–the assumption is that ikea somehow recycles them, i dunno it they really do or not, but i’m dead battery free for the first time in years!
7 B // Apr 29, 2004 at 9:36 pm
My father was always a bit of a pessimist. Any time things would be going well, and high spirits filled the air, he would always find a way to remind us of the darker side of life. If anyone ever made the passing remark that their defecation had been satisfactory, for example, he would chime in: “You may take a dump, but you leave a shit. Always remember that.”